Genevieve graduated college a year early and immediately landed a job at Google making six figures

6 min readDec 3, 2020

The world is a dumpster fire right now but don’t worry. Genevieve’s here to save you from your greatest threat. No. Not the pandemic. Not unemployment. Not your landlord.

Yourself, stupid.

Genevieve has some hard truths for you, even though she just turned 26 and her parents still send her care packages.

Genevieve is everywhere. She’s on every app. She’s on every website. She whispers to you in your dreams. You can’t get away from her. Genevieve is made out of Pinterest boards and positive energy.

Genevieve has resting Barbie face.

Genevieve used to be just like you. She used to be a lesbian dropout drug addict who somehow managed to graduate from an expensive private college with a 4.0 GPA. By drug addict, Genevieve means micro-dosing on designer drugs and trying mushrooms in hostels throughout Europe. Genevieve’s not afraid to open up about her struggles, like her stint as a micro-influencer, which really burned her out on social media. Her family helped her work through her body issues. She looks exactly the same, but now she accepts herself. She wants to know why you don’t.

It didn’t make her happy. So she quit. She opened a yoga studio. It was a big risk. All Genevieve started with was a loan from her father, and a list of clients from her mom. Her mom is a wealthy socialite who used to star on a famous early 2000s television show. Now she does Hallmark movies. If Genevieve can do it, so can you.

You read all this on Genevieve’s website, dreamingwithgenevieve.com. You’re amazed by Genevieve. You learn that she offers online coaching. You sign up immediately. You withdraw money from your 401K to cover the cost. This feels like a wise investment.

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Genevieve sends you a confirmation email. You click the “start” link at the bottom. An ad pops up. It’s Genevieve! She’s wearing a cute strappy exercise top. She wants to know if you’re ready to transform your life. If you are, you should buy these supplements. And these yoga pants. And this workout top. You can have it all for just $79.99. It all comes in one kit. Obviously, you order it. You’re ready to transform your life.

Your course begins with a special welcome video. It’s Genevieve! She greets you from her 100-acre ranch somewhere in Arizona, where she’s isolating with her husband Chaz, also a popular personal growth coach. Sitting on the edge of her pool at sunset, Genevieve talks about how tough it’s been sheltering in place, unable to connect with anyone but her millions of fans and followers. Genevieve has one of those tummies that remains concave no matter what she does with her body. She says we’re all in this together. She says if you like her tankini, check out her line of swimwear at affiliatelinks/victoriasecretsummer/dreamingwithgenevieve.com.

You watch the first lesson. It’s Genevieve! She looks majestic, practically hovering on a yoga mat that looks like an ancient Persian rug, flanked by agave plants. Genevieve tells you to close your eyes and repeat after her. You are beautiful. You are perfect. You are special. You are loved. You can do anything. The cosmic aria playing in the background lulls you into a trance. Genevieve says meditation cleanses your soul. You can get a special deal on her meditation tracks right now at affiliatelinks/applemusic/dreamingwithgenevieve.com

You’re practicing your daily affirmations when a notification pops up on your phone. It’s Genevieve! She’s sitting on her balcony in her underwear, reading a book and drinking iced chai tea. You click on her photo and she takes you to her latest blog post, a list of 45 books you should be reading during your second quarantine. Some of them are in French.

It’s time for your second lesson with Genevieve! The video starts in her home gym, which might or might not be the size of your house. She’s riding her Peloton bike. Her body glistens with sweat. Today Genevieve tells you to ditch the aphorisms. The only thing you need is motivation. You can rev up your motivation by downloading her workout videos from Amazon. You can get them for $1.99 each. You watch Genevieve exercise for five minutes. You think you see Jeff Bezos doing pull-ups in the background.

You decide to buy a Peloton bike.

One day you’re peddling like a demon on your Peloton when a notification pops up on your phone. It’s Genevieve! She wants to let you know about her husband’s new book, The 4-Hour Bunker. It explains everything you did wrong during the pandemic, and how to prepare better next time. You buy her husband’s book and sign up for his email-list.

Genevieve sends out an email blast promoting her new YouTube channel, Motivation Isn’t the Answer.

It’s time for your third lesson with Genevieve! This one focuses on your relationships. Genevieve briefly makes out with her husband then reminds him it’s his turn to clean the guest cabin. After he leaves, she turns to you and says sit down. She tells you to write seven reasons you’re single. You write: “I’m scared to touch another human being because they might give me a deadly virus.” You write it seven times. Genevieve laughs, almost like she knows what you wrote. She says you’re wrong. She knows your real problem. You aren’t making space in your life. You can do that by subscribing to her relationship blog on Substack. She shares the link. Genevieve blows you a kiss goodbye. You sign up immediately.

You’re swiping on Tinder when a notification pops up on your phone. It’s Genevieve! She looks sad. She has some bad news. She’s getting a divorce from Chaz. It’s a major shock to her. But also, she’d been thinking about problems in their marriage for years. Now she’s self-partnered. She says who needs love when you love yourself? Besides, you might catch a deadly virus. Genevieve tells you to delete all the dating apps off your phone. You do it. You feel relieved. You were actually still scared of touching another human being because they might give you a deadly virus.

You’re lying in bed, hating yourself because it’s noon again and you feel completely overwhelmed, and also afraid to go outside. That’s when your phone dings. It’s Genevieve! She just tweeted an excerpt from her personal journal, along with a selfie. She’s wearing a mask. Genevieve is so informed and responsible. You don’t know what’s more beautiful — her eyes, or the poetry of her writing. Now you’re exploding with hope. You wonder if there’s a Pulitzer category for personal growth.

You’re out for a walk, enjoying the warm sunlight when a notification pops up on your phone. It’s Genevieve! She wants to apologize. Turns out, she didn’t write that inspiring poetry that got you out of bed. She was quoting another author. She was so inspired, she forgot the attribution. She says life is all about forgiveness. You nod. You forgive Genevieve. She’s given you so much, after all. She deserves it. Genevieve is so great. One day when all of this is over, you’ll travel to one of her seminars.

You can’t wait for Genevieve’s next video. You wonder what she’ll find wrong with you tomorrow.

Genevieve graduated college a year early and immediately landed a job at Google making six figures

Written by Tasi Khasobai